POEM: YOU WON'T SEE THIS ON TELEVISION

photo by Alex Lear

 

You Won't See This On Television

(to nia/to black women)

 

i have a boxcar of feelings for you, raw as afterbirth, unsubtle

as the sheriff delivering a summons or rev. jamison's sermon

railing against false gods, except there is nothing illegal nor mystical

about my commitment to publicly wash myself, no dirty linen,

no putting on airs, only a purity, sharp as the in rush of your breath

after my lick suck on the thick erect of your nipple thrust

or the distinctive pride of my willingness to be poor whenever

being rich signifies selling my principles or our people

 

though many of us may sometimes barter our bodies

for a mere moment's pleasure or the morseled promise

of a material trifle, still, regardless of our life's relative lightness

or the near unbearable burden of historic auction, the intimacy

of blackness continues not as a thing, but rather is eternally evidenced

as an act of freedom, the realization of love's arc of giving

 

—kalamu ya salaam


POEM: FIGHT

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

FIGHT

(in memory of brother Frederick)

 

those who profess they want the ocean

         without the awful roar of the waves

those who profess they want the rains

         without the thunder or the lightening

those who profess they want the harvest

         without plowing up the earth

 

         they don’t understand

         no, they don’t understand

         they don’t understand

         they just don’t understand

 

         that power

         concedes nothing

         without a struggle

         it never did

         and it never will

 

those who profess they want a better life

         but they are not ready to rise

those who profess they want a change

         and yet they are not willing to struggle

those who profess they want a revolution

         and still they’re afraid to fight

 

         they don’t understand

         no, they don’t understand

         they don’t understand

         they just don’t understand

 

         that power

         concedes nothing

         without a struggle

         it never did

         and it never will

 

I say the limits of oppression

are defined by the willingness

of our people to endure

the injustice of tyrants

 

when our people rise

         oppression is over

when our people struggle

         exploitation is ended

when our people fight

         tyrants die

 

organize our people

         to rise

organize our people

         to struggle

organize our people

         to fight

 

cause power

concedes nothing

without a struggle

it never did

and it never will

 

—kalamu ya salaam

ESSAY: TRUMPET DREAMS

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

TRUMPET DREAMS 

 

Somewhere in America a young person looks at a trumpet. Ok, maybe they are not actually looking at a physical instrument. Maybe they are dreaming about a trumpet. Dreaming about playing a trumpet—the bell held high, gleaming in the sun, and people are dancing, and laughing, and shouting. Every riff played brings joy. Every move the dancers make in response, inspires our musician to higher heights of trumpetry.

 

All across America, many young people dream of becoming a great musician, but unless they are from New Orleans that dream does not include hundreds of people dancing as an integral part of a funeral procession. That dream is not playing “Big Fat Woman” in a Zulu Parade or “Ain’t Got No Food Stamps” outside the “Brown Derby” on Freret Street, or swinging through Treme playing “Atomic Dog” in homage to a neighborhood stray who has passed away—literally a canine who everyone loved and no one owned, or so it seemed.

 

This is a culturally specific dream grounded in a post-reconstruction tradition that began at the turn of 20th century and was drowned at the turn of the 21st century.

 

That first trumpeter, or at least the one most remembered, was Charles “Buddy” Bolden whom legend says you could hear clean across the river. Country born, city-bred Buddy Bolden is the man credited with starting jazz as we know it, and though the mythology of jazz perpetrated by popular jazz critics would point you to the brothels of Storyville as the cradle of jazz, the truth is that most of the music was played outdoors in the parks and streets of New Orleans, parading through the community or at picnics and Sunday outings. One famous gathering spot was Johnson Park, which was adjacent to Lincoln Park, located in the section of the city known as Gert Town, across the canal from where Xavier University is now. Some of the well-established Creole bands of trained musicians would play in one park and Buddy Bolden and his rough and tumble aggregation of literal “dark town strutters” would be in the other park. A battle royale would ensue. Buddy’s mixture of ragtime and blues always won.

 

Eventually Buddy Bolden was remaindered by the authorities to a mental institution on the other side of Lake Ponchartrain, the same lake which put an end to Buddy’s reign in the early 1900’s would rise up and swamp Buddy’s great-great-grandchildren in the early 2000’s.

 

After Buddy, Freddie Keppard was the guy most folk name as the standard bearer. RCA Victor offered him the opportunity to be the first man to record a jazz record. He refused, fearful that if he made a platter, then people would steal his music. They say Freddie would even drape a handkerchief over his horn so others couldn’t see how he fingered his notes. This stubborn, albeit, futile pride manifested itself repeatedly whenever a healthy percentage of people refused to leave the city in the face of oncoming hurricanes. But just as Freddie’s refusal came to naught—trumpeter Nick Larocca, the leader of the Original Dixieland Jass Band, was the first to record a jazz recording and thereby established forever that jazz was founded by Italian musicians, and not by Negroes—in a similar way, those who wanted to stay soon found themselves overwhelmed and almost everyone was forced out of the city.

 

If this mythical kid dreaming of trumpet glory had studied the music, he certainly knew that King Oliver was the next trumpet great. Oliver traveled across the then new land called America, coast to coast. One of the iconic photographs of King Oliver and band was taken on the sidewalks of San Francisco. Coming rather early in the era of recordings, most of what comes down to us is but a pale sliver of sound compared to the reputation of the king, whose most lasting claim to fame was as a teacher and father figure for someone often considered the greatest jazz musician of all time: “Louis Satchelmouth” Armstrong.

 

Over the course of a long, long career that included hits in the 1950s, Armstrong grew to be affectionately known as “Pops” because he shouldered the responsibility of caring for and about at least three generations of jazz musicians. While Pop’s artistry as a trumpeter and vocalist will last as long as American culture lasts, what most of his fellow musicians valued most was the unstinting support he offered, including but not limited to, gifts of money when someone was down on their luck.

 

For the first half of the 20th century, you couldn’t get no bigger than Pops, couldn’t be more loved, nor more welcomed worldwide. So when our kid is dreaming, undoubtedly the youngster envisions becoming as renown and loved as Pops was.

 

Armstrong’s shadow was so big that although he came along before the Harlem Renaissance, and although there were numerous other great jazz trumpeters including Bunk Johnson, who like Bolden came from the countryside, or Henry Red Allen (from Algiers, which is the part of New Orleans located on the west bank of the river), or Joe Newman, a stalwart of the Basie band, few knew that Joe was a New Orleans trumpeter, all of the brass men such as the aforementioned and many others notwithstanding, they were all dwarfed by the towering eminence of Louis Armstrong.

 

Within jazz in general there would be no serious challenge to Armstrong’s reign as the trumpet king until the meteoric rise of Dizzy Gillespie and the marathonic consistency of Miles Davis, both of whom would be eclipsed by another young man with a horn, another product of the New Orleans dream: Wynton Marsalis. And just as Pops was not the first, Wynton is not the last, yet equally they are the acknowledged masters of the jazz trumpets, bookends at the beginning and end of the 20th century.

 

Those who came before Pops are recognized in the chronicles of jazz, but as far as the general public is concerned, Armstrong is the first great name of jazz, and most certainly the first great jazz trumpeter. In a similar way, although a slew of significant trumpeters have followed Wynton—Terrence Blanchard, who would make a great name for himself scoring films, and Nicholas Payton, who physically resembles Pops and who is perhaps the fiercest soloist active on his chosen instrument—nevertheless, it is Wynton that the general public knows and defers to in matters jazz.

 

Pops appeared on television more than any other jazz musician prior to Wynton Marsalis, who became the authority when he was presented as the chief narrator and guide for Ken Burns’ award winning, multi-hour jazz documentary delineating the birth and development of America’s leading contribution to world culture.

 

At some level, our dreamer probably wishes to be considered more than merely an entertainer. Our dreamer would love to help sustain the community and also would love to be recognized as an articulate commentator on this beloved music.

 

While all of our dreamers want to be known worldwide, some of them never dream of leaving home. A significant number have flat-out refused to leave and thus they are relatively unknown outside of New Orleans. Have you heard of Kermit Ruffins, who started off in the Rebirth Brass Band and went on to become a social institution as both a jazz musician and a cook (Pops love of red beans and rice was embodied by Kermit), and then there’s Irving Mayfield who followed Wynton in much the same way Pops followed King Oliver. Irving even lived in Wynton’s apartment while studying with Wynton—today, Irving has made a name for himself not just as a trumpeter but also as a bandleader and as the city-government-sanctioned, official jazz ambassador of New Orleans. Or there is James “12” Andrews who can do an uncanny Armstrong impersonation, and don’t overlook 12’s younger sibling Troy (affectionately known as Trombone Shorty, who started out on trombone before switching to trumpet). Today Troy plays with Lenny Kravitz. And just as life goes on, there are others, other young dreamers with a horn.

 

Why has New Orleans produced so many important jazz musicians in general and trumpet players in particular? Is it something in the water, in the food, in the hot, humid air or is there some sociological rationale for a seemingly endless production of jazz trumpeters? Well its all of the above and none of the above. It’s a way of life in New Orleans.

 

Harold Battiste, Jr. is a New Orleans musician of countless accomplishments. He was the musical director for the Sonny & Cher television show as well as the often uncredited producer of all of the duo’s gold records. Battiste was the arranger for Sam Cooke’s first big hit, “You Send Me,” and the producer for the birth of the New Orleans legendary artist Dr. John. But more germane to this particular discussion, Battiste was the founder of AFO records in the mid-sixties, one of the first, if not the first,  wholly Black owned jazz recording label. AFO’s big hit was “I Know” by Barbara George that included a famous solo by Melvin Lastie, which became a standard one had to master if one wanted to consider one’s self a New Orleans trumpeter. Harold Battiste composed the solo that his good friend Lastie played.

 

Typical of what seems to Topsy-like “just happen” down in the Big Easy, the truth is that it’s the result of careful planning and execution. Battiste who teaches jazz combo, composing and arranging at the University of New Orleans in the jazz studies department insightfullly opines that the success of their program is not because of the school but because of the city. The New Orleans music community offers the young student a place within a community of jazz musicians and a myriad of opportunities to play jazz in many different styles, at a frequency and a depth of shared experienced unrivaled by any other American metropolis.

 

It’s not simply on-the-job-training, it’s a traditional way of life that is lived everyday. You learn how to play funky by playing in the streets, not from listening to records or following the dictates of an instructor in the classroom. At a secondline, or other traditional street performance, if you don’t play well, you’ll find yourself playing to yourself—people will literally walk away—or else they will talk over your meaningless musings. The streets are a hard taskmaster. People who have heard generations and generations of music are not easily seduced by empty technique. You have to bring the noise, in order to be heard.

 

And if the discipline of a hip audience was not enough, the other factor is that you find yourself playing in the company of musicians who may have played what you’re struggling to play for twenty years before you were even born. The multi-generational schooling that takes place in a New Orleans jazz band can only happen because the music transcends the contemporary infatuation with youth culture. Some of the music is over a hundred years old. And although new ideas and new ways of playing do enter the tradition, the old ways have never died—they may be modified over time, but they have never died.

 

The youngster who would be king has to master a tradition before blazing new paths. This is what Wynton Marsalis found out. Initially he started off as a post-bop trumpeter, but over time he was force to recognize the mountain of New Orleans musical traditions. Wynton knew that if he wanted to be truly great, he must first learn the greatness that preceded him.

 

And now we are at the end of an era. For the first time in the history of New Orleans jazz, a youngster who dreams of becoming the next king will not be able to follow in the footsteps of the masters. Our dreamer will no longer be able to parade through the streets of Treme with a spontaneous crowd of two hundred people in tow.* The little neighborhood joints are no more. The old master who has seen over sixty summers no longer lives around the corner. You can’t get together with a bunch of your high school friends and play for block parties on the weekend—indeed this year there will be no high school football games where the band rocks the stands. No Sundays on the lake front. No street festivals uptown in Central City or downtown in the Ninth Ward. There’s still the French Quarter itself but without the tradition buttressing it, what goes on in that roughly 12-square-block area is a pale imitation of life rather than the real deal—the vibrant, funky, Blackness of New Orleans culture.

 

Of course, one could make the same analysis of the food, or the visual arts, the social organizations and the lively vernacular of New Orleans. A way of life has been washed away because the people who created and continued that way of life have been “saved” and sent away, evacuated literally all over the country.

 

In Utah is there a hundred year-old tradition of parading in the streets that our dreamer can join? In Boston they bake beans, but can they make red beans and rice—indeed do they even have red beans in Boston? Somewhere in Minnesota our dreamer is going to go looking for a snowball in the summertime and people are not going to know anything about finely shaved ice saturated with a myriad of fruit-flavored syrups. Even in Shreveport, Louisiana, less than four hundred miles from home, one will not hear the boom of a bass drum and the hot blare of a trumpet celebrating and memorializing the life of a friend, one will not be able to respond by jumping up and joining the dancing procession.

 

It is not the thing itself, but the tradition that produced the thing; not jazz as a music form but the attitude and behaviors of the people, that is what kept the culture alive; not a particular song but indeed a whole approach to singing, that is what has been lost in the flood waters.

 

Somewhere a youngster dreams of being a trumpet king, of carrying on a tradition—now that New Orleans is no more, is there any other place where the trumpet tradition lives, and, if not, can the tradition be reborn in the new New Orleans? Can traditions continue to exist amid the absence of the people who created and sustained those traditions? Is a dream and a dreamer enough, or do we need a land of dreams, way down yonder in New Orleans?

 

___________________

* This essay was written in 2006. Since that time something worst has “quietly” happened. By 2010 street musicians are banned by city ordinance from performing after 8pm. Brass bands parading without an expensive permit have been literally arrested. The spontaneous street culture of New Orleans that spawned jazz and supplied a seemingly endless supply of trumpet giants has been effectively censored and silenced.

 

—kalamu ya salaam

ESSAY + POEM: TRIBUTE TO DOUGLAS REDD

Douglas Redd

 

 

 

It’s Hard

 

The back of his hand was peeling off. He grabbed a plastic bottle of lotion to slather on.

 

“What’s that?” I ask.

 

He looks at his wrinkled fingers, huge flaps of top skin hanging loosely, and then looks up into my eyes.

 

I don’t look away.

 

I’ve seen his artist hands at work for over three decades: working wood, canvas, and paper; wielding knives, brushes, and pencils. I remember us laughing about the nicks, cuts, stains and bruises; that was just part of the cost of being the type of artist he was.

 

Walking through the arches in Congo Square at Jazzfest, Africa-inspired images sticking up thirty feet in the air; that was Doug’s art. The Tamborine & Fan flyers from the seventies. The design of Ashe Cultural Center in the new millennium. All of that, Doug’s artwork. From drawings to drums, flyers to architectural designs, all graceful examples of his artistic efforts.

 

A squeamish part of me wanted to avoid confronting Doug’s deformed hands but I didn’t turn away because, well, because this was one moment when he needed me to look without embarrassment. He was sick. I was well. If he could look, I should be able to also. But it wasn’t easy. Observing a man weakened and suffering is difficult.

 

Doug was always slim, but now he is almost skeletal. And those black gloves with white stripes that looked like bones that Doug wears to cover the raw patches disfiguring his hands don’t help.

 

“What?” he asks.

 

I answer immediately, “I was asking what that lotion was.”

 

I could not help but think back a couple of weeks to when I was holding Doug, his hands shaking uncontrollably, his head toppling over and going down to the table top. As I had embraced him, I felt the retching wracking his body, but there had been nothing left to throw up. My left arm all the way around him, I used my right hand, thumb to ear and little finger next to my mouth, to motion for Carol to call the ambulance.

 

“Talk to me, Doug,” I implored but he was near unconscious. “Talk to me.”

 

When he mumbled a few words I breathed a bit easier. Eventually, with both my arms around him, he was able to stand and we had inched over to the sofa and he lay down.

 

I ran downstairs to make sure when the medics arrived they would be able to get into the locked bottom floor door, onto the elevator and up to #314. As I sat outside hearing a siren draw closer, I was thinking and thinking and thinking. And hurting. A month or so ago, Doug had had a seizure. The subsequent diagnosis was brain tumors. And lung cancer. Radiation treatment for tumors and now chemotherapy for cancer.

 

Doug had weathered the radiation, but the cost had been high. First they cut his locks. Soon the short hair disappeared, and then the scalp wrinkled leaving mini-hills and valleys rutting his skull, with only a small, horizontal tuff of hair remaining at the base where the back of the head hits the shoulders. Morbidly I wondered were those ridges solid or soft, but I had been neither brave nor invasive enough to reach out and finger the bumps.

 

After checking his vital signs (which were strong), the EMS techs assured us the reactions Carol and I were struggling to deal with were normal for chemo patients.

 

That’s life in New Orleans post-Katrina: everybody is valiantly trying to keep it together, everybody is dealing with some kind of trauma. Every extended family has someone ill who needs care, or someone who needs shelter, or someone who needs… there are so many needs. We just have to keep pushing.

 

I exhale, look over and smile at Doug standing there cupping a hand full of light-colored goo. “Yeah, that cocoa butter is good for your hands,” I said quietly.

 

Doug sat on the sofa and vigorously rubbed in the lotion. I sat up in the straight back chair. We were spending another of beaucoup hours with each other.

 

I pull the night shift and make sure that Doug takes his medication at 9pm. It’s hard. Hard for Doug to take the handful of pills, some of them the size of lozenges. His tongue has lost its normal taste, no food has an agreeable flavor. Something in the treatment has made his throat raw, even a tiny pill hurts to swallow. Radiation and chemo are killing good cells while trying to wipe out bad cells. To get well, Doug has to get sick.

 

It’s hard.

 

As hard as it is for him, it’s also emotionally taxing for me. I gather myself everyday and take the elevator to the third floor to spend hours with my friend. I’ve been following this regime for over a month now. The routine will go on for who knows how long—I psyche myself up to share energy with Doug. Day in, day out. Over and over.

 

It’s hard but it’s beautiful.

 

As tired as I be when I drag home at night and force myself to work for another hour or so, getting to bed usually between midnight and 1am, no matter, I’m always ready for the next day, renewed by the goodness of sharing life and love with a man I love.

 

—kalamu ya salaam

 

_____________________________________

 

 

The Last Redd Light!

(a eulogy of sorts for Douglas Redd, December 1947 – July 2007)

 

1.

What would you do if you knew

You were going to die tomorrow, or maybe

Just had a vague feeling that the knocking

At the door was a death rattle, or maybe

You just ached real bad and instead of words,

Moans slobbered sideways out your mouth? What

Would you do if your hand wasn’t working and

You couldn’t control your bladder

And just had to lay in whatever…, you know

What I’m saying?…

 

Life sometimes asks us some tough unanswerable questions like

What would you do if you failed the ultimate survival test?

 

2.

His flesh was still soft.

I looked down on the calm of his face,

The peaceful repose was the… I can’t make it pretty,

I mean I could describe it with pretty words but

It would still be fucked up.

 

A man with whom I have spent most midnights

Over the last three hundred and some days,

I was in his presence even when he was too sick

To appreciate that I was there, now, his corpse

Was laying there, unmoving, untwisted, unhacked

By coughs and phlegm. He looked better

Than I’ve seen him for weeks. You know

It’s bad when a cadaver looks better

Than a fitfully breathing body.

 

3.

When you say someone you love is dead

What do you mean?

 

Outside the sun was shining, inside,

All inside of me the sky was crying. I was standing

At the last Redd light.

 

—kalamu ya salaam

ESSAY: THERE IS NO FUTURE IN IGNORANCE

photo by Lynda Koolish

 

 

THERE IS NO FUTURE IN IGNORANCE

 

which is more important: life or what we can create with technology?

 

that's a trick question. ultimately, there is no binary dualism of technology opposed to life—technology is nothing but the how of human interaction with our material and social environment.

 

we should not let the specter of failure or wrong-doing discourage us, nor should the obvious environmental destruction wrought by western society be accepted as justification not to use technology.

 

do not be afraid to confront and change the world. to be human means to change the world.

 

as long as we use technology to facilitate the representation of our humanity and the preservation of our environment, rather than to repress our humanity or to despoil our environment, we have nothing to fear. regardless of the technology, yesterday, today and tomorrow, our problem is with the makers and users of technology and not with technology itself.

 

yes, there is some cachet to the notion that humans are too weak, too shortsighted, too corrupt to handle higher technology. however, regardless of human inability to wisely use technological developments, we are at a serious disadvantage in improving our lives if we do not embrace the use of technology.

 

during the 20th century from the fifties to the seventies, political struggle was the worldwide trend. back then it was pick up the gun—arm yourself or harm yourself. at the beginning of the 21st century, the revolution is technological. today it is pick up the computer and go online—arm yourself with knowledge or harm yourself with ignorance.

 

i would much rather have technology and decide how best to use it, than avoid technology because i am fearful of its misuse. moreover, as history demonstrates time and time again, what you don't control will be used against you. while i accept the limitations of humanity, i do not accept ignorance.

 

today's liberation struggle must be a global struggle to acquire and disseminate information and resources across and within national boundaries. nationalism and racial essentialism are not the answer. we must globalize our struggle. every nation state we people of african descent inhabit is a nation state that was created and either politically or economically controlled and/or exploited by non-africans. moreover, regardless of our emotional identities, all of we people of the african diaspora are mixed. we are mixed biologically but also culturally, especially with regard to language, and we are mixed in terms of our consciousness, especially how we actually identify with africa in word and deed.

 

indeed, if the definition of our blackness embraces all of us, that definition must be one of great inclusiveness rather than one of exclusivity or racial purity. in the final analysis our blackness is more cultural than racial, and certainly more a case of conscious identification rather than simply the result of the accident of birth.

 

moreover, while we affirm that our growth and development is contingent on organizing around our own broadly defined self interests, at the same time we understand that to do this we must be able to communicate our realities and aspirations to each other and to the world.

 

there is a phrase: technicians of the sacred. technicians of the sacred refers to those of us who are proficient at articulating social and individual reality, a reality of the here and now, but also a reality composed of the been here and gone, as well as the hoped for soon come. additionally, and of irreducible importance, our reality also includes our interrelations with the planet: the sea, the soil, the atmosphere and everything therein, thereon and there over.

 

one key to our future is building community, is reaching out to each other, sharing resources and dreams, telling each other about both our hard times and our joys. another key is realizing that what we create is not simply for ourselves alone, but is also a gift to the world. we must be prepared to become citizens of the world and not restrict our self definition to national or racial specifics.

 

there has been a massive democratization of technology. computers and software enable us to produce our words, our music, our art on a par with multinational corporations. through access to the internet we can obtain information and data previously beyond our grasp, and we can communicate with each other almost instantly regardless of where we are. all that is required is a willingness to engage reality, a willingness to acquire and use technology.

 

some may feel i am preaching to the choir. my response is "yes" and "no." yes, most of you have computers and email, but even so, we all need encouragement and inspiration to continue forward. "no" in the sense that few of us are using the technology we have to organize and to produce at exponentially higher levels. i am arguing that technology is not just a convenience or a way to advance our careers. technology can also be a tool of struggle. we need to be techno-warriors.

 

what are you looking at, what are you listening to? right now. this is not kalamu ya salaam. you do not see me. you do not hear me. you see an image, you hear vibrations presented in such a way they lead you to believe you are having a human interaction. most of us are acculturated to respond to technology—to be consumers. but how many of us are ready to respond to technology as producers? to consume and not produce is to be a slave to capitalism.

 

come, let us leave the plantation of mindless consumption. yes, we can make music and movies, books and artwork, but we can also organize and mobilize, heal and develop, we can lift ourselves using the lever of technology—or should i say the elevator, the mothership, the computer chip, the laser light of technology.

 

right now i am somewhere in the world different from where you are. we need to link up. i want to know you, feel you. i want you to know me, feel me. we need to know we. we need to feel we. the wise use of technology can bring us together.

 

engage the world with any and all resources available to you. there is no future in ignorance. as a technician of the sacred, learn what you don't know, teach what you do. may the future be black!

 

 

—kalamu ya salaam


POEM: WAYS OF LAUGHING

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

Ways of Laughing

 

I look at the young women

in our class—Inola, my mother

is there in some of their eyes when they share

with each other whatever little they have: four pieces

of candy, two, or even three, are given away. On the lower back

of one is a tattoo, an adornment to beautify what is already

brown and beautiful, all of them wear colors

like the sky after a spring rain, moisture sparkling

in the atmosphere colored the most promising of colors, their

sharp voices are some times sweet, some times bitter

taking on the taste of their life experiences, their eyes

are so old to be housed in such youthful faces, despite

disasters they are still full of hope and the romanticism

of youth thinking that life is not uncaring, is not totally unfair, will

give them a chance to be something other than disappointed

 

like their earrings they come in all sizes and shapes, and different

ways of laughing

 

—kalamu ya salaam


POEM: WHAT CAN I SAY?

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

what can i say?

(to friends who have separated)

 

breaking apart two who had become one seems criminally

wrong nevertheless there are those of us who

can not stay once love has gone

 

it deeply hurt me to deeply hurt my ex

but i did, and, because i did, i know

the cruel charity of not staying when i realized "i had to go"

 

there is a loneliness that doesn't desire company

a weariness which sleep can never erase

here we unavoidably lick the lead of our failures, a taste

which poisons the sweetness of every yesterday

 

i continue to love you both dearly and will miss

your wholeness surely—what more need be said?

 

when one heart is broken both sides are bloodied—it is

impossible to talk to one without thinking of the other

 

—kalamu ya salaam


POEM + AUDIO: EXIT LEFT

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

exit left

 

when i came to i didn't know where i was

on the ground, prone, near the levee bottom—i blacked out

while jogging, got up, walked home, still laboring a bit

between deep gulps i told nia as much as i could remember

 

my brother is a cardiologist, nia urged me to call him

tuesday morning early i take an ekg and the results are so disturbing

keith schedules me for a battery of tests an hour and a half later

i still have a meeting to do in between, my blood pressure was normal

 

i reappear, am radioactively injected, get wired up and climb on

a treadmill, lay under a nuclear camera, chat as though nothing

was wrong, submit to a sonargram, nia is there the whole time,

the results are negative, acceptable, i did not have a heart attack

 

keith can not determine the etiology of the alarming ekg

but i know the hard truth: at fifty i am almost through

i am dying and perhaps there is a metaphysical reason

no physical break down showed up on the machines this time

 

as the world unravels around me i coolly center the resulting chaos

within the calm of my karma's core—this is how i exist: i dare to do

all the good i can, i accept the uneveness of chance, i simply love

life for what it is and when my time comes, i am not afraid to exit

 

—kalamu ya salaam

____________________________________

 

Music—"Monk's Mood" by Thelonious Monk

 

Kalamu ya Salaam – vocals

Stephan Richter – clarinet

Frank Bruckner – guitar

Georg Janker - bass

 

 

Recorded: June 14, 1998 – "ETA Theatre" Munich, Germany


POEM: I STARE INTO THE AIR

John T. Scott

 

 

I Stare Into The Air

(for visual artist John T. Scott)

 

I came to see you

Did you know I was there?

 

I don’t think so. Your head was

Back, your mouth wide open,

Your eyes closed. The sound

Of the machines was louder

Than your labored breathing.

 

I thought of Picasso, how he painted

That horse, it pained me

That you looked like a wounded animal.

I know you were knocked out—morphine

 

Morphine is not medicine

That’s what they give to you when

They don’t know what else to do.

 

About three or four hours later

We returned and now you were awake,

Or at least your eyes were open

 

I held your hand, lightly, I did not want

To hurt you so I was careful

With my touch and my jokes

 

I knew you couldn’t laugh. That hurt

Me too. I will never forget the deep

Rumble of your laughter, how your

Eyes would glow, how laugh lines

Were all over your expansive face

 

You would even reach out and slap

My shoulder but not that day. All

You did was blink to let me know

That you heard me, that you knew

I came to visit you the weekend

Before you died.

 

I went home glad to have seen you

Sad to have seen you like that

 

Almost exactly one week later

The call early in the morning did not

Surprise me. I did not cry. I wanted

To. I did not curse. I should

Have. I did not do anything except

Sit back in my chair and stare

Into the nothingness of the air

In front of me.

 

—kalamu ya salaam

 


POEM: WE WAS RED BEFORE THEY CALLED US BLACK

photo by Alex Lear

 

 

WE WAS RED BEFORE THEY CALLED US BLACK

 

We was red before Marx gave a color

to sharing (which

after all, we did all the time

before we became acquainted with snow

and learned to look at a machine

to tell us what time it was, some of us

even carry clocks in our teeth

and get a toothache

every time the opportunity to escape

presents itself

 

it is so boring becoming white

all you got to do is do the same shit

over and over again

try to be god

fuck over women

and vainly conspire to chain the weather

over and over

 

I know you think this poem is crazy

but that’s only because

you’re a capitalist

and hate anything red, not to mention

if it’s black and riffing

about peace and freedom

 

no, I didn’t get this from Marx

Marx got the idea

of sharing from us

 

you don’t believe me, ask

Engles who the first humans was

and how they used to live

a long time before

the calendar

 

how do you think people kept track

of what time it was twenty thousand years ago

I bet you they survived

I bet you they had children

lived, loved, laughed and cried

I bet you they weren’t late for work

or worried about the midnight tax deadline

in the middle of April—taxes? What is that

some form of devil worship, of paying tribute

to the great-great grandchildren of terrorists?

I bet you long time ago women still had their

periods regular without having to take Tylenol

for three days straight, and we didn’t

have to wonder what to do with trash

that wouldn’t disappear if you buried it or

what time the church service was or

leaving work late to avoid the rush hour traffic

or none of that

 

I bet you they didn’t worry about the stock market crashing

or paying the mortgage—mortgage? A strange word, mort =

death, gage = pledge, what are we pledging

to pay back some money or die trying, I know

most of yall believe in progress

believe we know more than people did ten thousand years ago

 

I bet you think a cell phone and a computer prove

that we better off than natives was in Africa even two

thousand years ago

 

Ok, here’s one for you, there were at least 12 Egyptian dynasties

each one at least four or five hundred years long, how much

longer you think America going to be around

 

I’ll give you a few moments to think about that

 

Opps, time’s up…)

 

 

—kalamu ya salaam