WordUp - kalamu’s words

Malcolm

(Softly, tentatively) Hello.

Amina

Hello. Is that what you say?

(She wants to move to him, but does not.)

What will you tell me this gray afternoon?

What marks are on your chest?

What spear has been thrust into your side?

What do you have to show?

What do you have to hide?

What light shines in your eyes?

What shame do you deny?

And what will you expect of me this moment?

Should I hold you?

Is there any embrace that can hold you?

Should I just kiss you lightly on the cheek?

A quick peck perhaps, something that will not keep

You anchored to me?

Or maybe even a gigantic hug?

Or should I just wait quietly and see?

What you are, what you have become? What you

And what the world have made of my son?

Malcolm

Hello,

But not like before.

Today I have come to leave you forever.

Though I will still be your child,

I have come to announce that now I am me,

And just me being me will hurt you,

Not that I want to hurt you

Or hurt me. It's just when children become adults

Parents are sometimes hurt.

Hello.

But never again like before.

Amina

How was it before?

Malcolm

How can I forget?

How can I not remember seeing the redness

Of your blood falling everywhere and

My own efforts not to panic, and

My not knowing what to do

And wrapping your hand in a towel

And driving like crazy to the hospital

And watching them sew your finger

Back together?

How can I forget?

Malcolm

(He holds up his hand as she talk. When she finishes, he points his forefinger to her and she reaches out her forefinger. They touch over the chair. Just fingertips. And they laugh, the chair between them.)

Hello.

Amina

(Drops her hand, steps back.)

You don't remember when you were conceived?

No, of course not. How could you?

How could you remember that night

Or those many mornings after?

How can a child remember what the mother

Will never forget?

Malcolm

(He smiles for the first time. Chuckles.)

I was nothing but energy in the universe,

Spirit pulsating, waiting for the creator

To give me form, waiting for a woman

And a man to snatch me in a moment of ecstasy,

To reach into an intensity and transform

My energy into a warm-blooded mass,

Laser burn a hole in the spirit atmosphere,

Open a flesh window through which I could crawl.

And that's how I climbed inside of you.

I was born to you because I was cruising

through that night when you were with that man

When you were wet and he was stiff

And your sweat-gleaming torsos were slipperily

Connected together, joined in ritual union

And yall was so beautiful I had to choose

That moment to climb through from the other side

into this dimension of time and being

You didn't make me.

I chose you. I chose both of you.

Amina

How can a baby choose its parents?

(Smiles. She is amazed at the perceptions being dropped by Malcolm -- perceptions she has never considered before, but perceptions that are both daring and sensible.)

Malcolm

No. (Correcting her) Really the question is

How can parents choose a child?

At conception,

At that moment you have no idea where you are

At that moment everything is out of control

Even if you are trying to have a child, still

You have no way of choosing anything. All you can

Do is open the window

You have no way of knowing who will come

Flying into the womb.

Amina

(Sits. Smoothes her dress. thinks a moment, then looks over at Malcolm, who is still standing has not moved.)

How do you

How does your . . . your being . . . I mean as infinite energy

You don't yet have a body, you don't have a brain,

A mind, nothing. How do you . . . how can you choose?

How can you possibly choose anything?

You didn't exist before. You weren't anything, how could you . . . ?

Malcolm

Some realities we choose, and . . .

Some realities we submit to.

Perhaps choose is a wrong word.

The window was open.

I was shooting by.

The creator created the coincidence.

I just submitted.

You're talking about nature.

I'm talking about the supernatural.

Amina

Is this what they have taught you in school?

Malcolm

They would never teach me to be me.

They can never give me identity.

Amina

(Proudly) Where did you get it then?

From where came this insight into the unseen?

Malcolm

Ultimately, from you . . .

And . . .

(He hesitates, as if he were about to say something dangerous or possibly distasteful.)

And from all of us, our various histories,

What we did, what we didn't,

From when I really listen

Listen to our music. yes, especially that,

Even though it is true I still don't know

Our music the way I will when I am older.

Ultimately, it will come from that,

Or at least that is from where I think

My deepest knowledge of self will surface,

Gushing out of our music

It's just a feeling I have, not knowledge,

Nothing I've rationally deduced, something

I've intuited even though I've yet to learn

To fully trust my feelings.

(Pause. As he says this next line, he touches Amina's shoulder. At first she returns his touch, but quickly withdraws her hand when she hears about Malcolm's father.)

From our music comes a lot of the unknown,

 And from you and from man,

That man: your man, my man, Rudy, as he is named,

Cowboy as he was called in the street,

Those seldom times he was here, and even

Briefly Chimarenga, the warrior, the resistance

Leader, the six shooter, the sperm shooter

Your man, your lover

My man, my father

from you, Amina

From Cowboy

From history . . .

(He pauses, then steps away from her briefly before speaking to her over his shoulder.)

Did you ever go looking for him after he left,

Or did you just wait to see if he would come back?

(He does not wait for her answer. She does not give a verbal answer, but hugs herself, remembering the loneliness, and drops her head in silence.)

I looked for him.

I looked for him with all the hatred . . .

(He turns and looks at her. She senses his stare during the pause, looks up, returns the look briefly, then looks away, but then quickly goes back to his eyes. They lock eyes.)

With all the hatred you taught me, like you,

I hated my man.

Amina

(Looks away.)

Actually, I hated him because I loved him,

But you can't understand that, can you?

So did you ever find . . .

Did you ever find him?

Malcolm

You know I did.

I am he. I found my man

Inside of me . . .

(She gets up, looks at him, and starts to step to him. Stops. Steps tentatively. he has not moved.)

Mama, I must tell you something.

(His voice stops her just as she reaches to embrace him.)

Amina

It must be serious. You're calling me mama

In such a serious tone.

It is serious,

Isn't it?

Malcolm

Yes.

Anima

(Sits again. Waits. Looks at him.)

Will you tell me, or must I pull it out of you?

Malcolm

(Softly) I'm going to tell you.

(She clasps her hands.)

But I don't know how.

Amina

(Shakes her head, anticipating something awful.)

what is it?

Malcolm

It's really two things.

Amina

(Tries to make a joke.)

Oh, well I'm relieved. At first I though

You had just one terrible tale to tell, but

It's easier to take now that you tell me

There are two tales to be told. or do

I understand you correctly?

Malcolm

Yes, yes, you understand.

Amina

Should we talk some evasion, talk

About the dog's puppies, your grades,

The latest book I've read . . . you know

How people do when it's time

To talk seriously?

(Points to the audience.)

Should we provide them some entertainment,

Some non-critical, covertly political propaganda

That they can believe is free of political lessons

Like we used to believe cigarettes and sex

Were a safe high we could indulge day and night

Without affecting our lives?

Shouldn't we at least give a disclaimer?

After all this is a play,

And plays are not supposed to be too real,

Too real.

Malcolm

Maybe. I don't know.

Amina

You do know,

You know unhappiness has a desk in your heart

And is a late-night-working fool.

You know you're looking for answers

To questions you're afraid to ask.

You know that you question

The reason for your birth, and sometimes wish

That you were something or someone else

Other than who you are

And you know most audiences have been trained

To be supremely uninterested

In confronting this about themselves.

You know.

Malcolm

Cut! Let's start this over.

(He exists. Amina gets up and stands next to the chair, waiting for her son to come home. Malcolm enters. Cheerfully.)

Hey, what's up?

Amina

Malcolm, Malcolm, you're home

(Crosses quickly to hug and kisses him.)

How's school?

How're you feeling?

Are you hungry? What do you want to eat?

Can I fry you something?

Do you have a girlfriend yet?

Does your father know you're here?

Do you know your father?

Would you like it if I didn't ask so many questions?

Do you know why I ask so many questions?

Do you know all the questions Black women have

For Black men?

Do you have answers for even half of our questions?

Like why can't we be friends, friends, forever?

What's happening to us?

Do you remember your father?

Do you remember the few years he was here

And we were happy?

Do you remember my version of our family history?

Do you understand how terribly hard it has been

For me to raise you by myself, and keep

Myself together?

Do you know all the things a Black mother

Will do to make sure her son becomes a man?

Are you using your penis yet?

What color is your love?

Will you make some woman happy?

Are you going to be just like your father?

will I have to hate you?

What . . .

Malcolm

Cut!

let's try it one more time.

Amina

And why do you want to cut now?

Do questions bother you?

Should I speak in statements, declarations,

Petitions, supplications, jokes, sly asides,

Demure completions of your every desire, son?

Is it not enough for me to be your mother?

Do you also need me to be your emotional servant?

Malcolm

Cut, because the world does not understand,

Cut, because this audience is confused.

Amina

And?

Malcolm

And I'm confused too.

(He exists and re-enters. he starts to speak, but cannot find words. Suddenly Malcolm turns to the audience and begins to speak. As he does, Amina freezes. Malcolm steps to face the audience directly.)

I'm trying to figure out how to talk to her,

How to tell her the truth about myself.

Of course, part of the problem is figuring out

What's the truth and then finding the words

To talk the truth.

Amina

(Amina steps to Malcolm's side and speaks to the audience.)

Sometimes we just don't have the language

We need to deal with the world

Did you notice, at first, how everything

I said was a question?

Malcolm

Do you know how much it feels like

We're always being questioned, our manhood

Is always being challenged?

Amina

There are no words for liberating talk

In the master's lexicon. part of the reason

Men find it so hard to understand women

Is that men don't accept women making words,

Making concepts, making language.

So even to express myself I must speak with male words.

Malcolm

The first question some of you will ask

Is, How can words be male?

Watch

(He exist and re-enters.)

Hello, I'm home.

(They hug.)

God, I'm glad to be home. This semester was a bitch!

(They pause, but continue hugging each other.)

Amina

(Turns to face the audience.)

Now, why does something hard and difficult

Have to be referred to as a bitch?

(Amina looks at Malcolm.)

Malcolm

Ain't that a bitch! I never thought of that.

Amina

There you go again.

Malcolm

Ain't that a bull, i mean, ain't

That a dick, shit, I don't know what to say?

Amina

We're trying to work this out

Let's start again, okay?

(They part. Amina smiles at the audience. Malcolm re-enters.)

Malcolm

Hi, Mom!

Amina

Hello, son.

(They embrace and kiss quickly on the lips. Hug each other with glee.)

And how long has it been that you've been gone?

Only five or six months really,

Yet it all seems so long

How's momma's man?

Malcolm

(Breaks the embrace. To the audience)

Now is she talking to me asking me about my father?

Or is she talking to me but thinking I am my father,

You know, like seeing my father in me?

Is she talking to me and addressing me in a sort of

I wish you were, I want you to be "a man"

Sort of way?

I mean it's deep.

Amina

It's not really that deep.

It's not really a sexual thing. It's . . .

Malcolm

Since when is being a Black man not a sexual thing?

Amina

We don't hate Black men.

Malcolm

Let me finish. I'm not saying yall hate

Black men. I'm saying yall hate the way most of us

End up being. Yall hate what we become

Under the knife of the world.

Amina

(To the audeience)

Now you see, here we go back into the male language

Mess: "the knife of the world"!

Next we're going to get to women castrating men,

Women accusing men of being eunuchs . . .

Malcolm

No, not women castrating men,

The world castrating Black men, and by the world

I really mean this society, this society

Cutting our manhood off and making it impossible

For us to be men.

Amina

Can't you be a man without a penis?

Malcolm

Get serious

Amina

I am serious, sunrise serious,

A bold break for something completely different.

Malcolm

(Breaks character.)

Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Amina

Male language.

Male insecurity.

Malcolm

Female anger. Female insecurity.

Amina

What do you mean "female insecurity"?

I know I'm a woman.

Malcolm

How?

Amina

How what?

How do you know you're a woman?

And before you say, "Because, I had you,"

Let's ask the question: Does having a child

Make you a woman, or conversely does not

Having a child mean you're not a woman?

Amina

Cut!

Let's do this again.

(To the audience as Malcolm exists)

You see how deep this stuff gets?

The male/master's language.

Malcolm

(From offstage)

You know it's not all a question of male language.

Some of this stuff is about more than language,

It's about the reality of social relationships,

Even when we don't say a word to each other.

Amina

Malcolm, shut up and let's do this.

Malcolm

(Enters)

Hi, God, I'm glad to be home.

(They embrace. Look at each other wordlessly, and release from the embrace. malcolm sits in the chair.)

Amina

What's wrong?

Malcolm

I need to tell you something.

Amina

(Crosses to him. Touches his shoulder, gently.)

I don't know how to say this.

Amina

That's because you don't have language

Not for the deep things in relationships.

You have power words but no connecting words,

No way to talk about what's inside yourself

Without making yourself sound like an insect,

An abomination that should be cast into the fire.

Malcolm

You're assuming that this is something bad.

Amina

I'm assuming that if a man has a hard time

saying something then it's probably

A personal revelation which is hard for him to make

Precisely because he thinks that the revelation

Will mark him as being less than a man.

And what man wants to be seen as less than a man?

So, unless it's like the rare moments

When you are helpless in a lover's arms,

Spent, caught in the throes of the after-tremble,

At that one milli-moment of ultimate vulnerability

When you know how weak you are and simultaneously

Also recognize how warmly secure

You feel wrapped in your lover's embrace . . .

It is usually only then that you own up to those deep

Revelations of vulnerableness. I know that

Every lover who has ever held a trembling man

A vulnerable, trembling, tears-in-his-eyes,

Whispering, babbling, post-ejaculation man . . .

Every lover knows that.

You see all it is that you don't have anything

At this moment but what you perceive to be weakness,

Weak words to describe yourself, and you are ashamed.

Malcolm

I'm not ashamed!

Amina

You're afraid

Malcolm

I'm not afraid.

Amina

You're confused.

Malcolm

I'm not confused!

Amina

You're a man.

Malcolm

I'm not . . .

(Catches himself)

It's not like that.

Amina

No, not when you conquer someone,

Not when you're just doing it to reach your climax,

Your pitiful little moment of pleasure . . .

Malcolm

(To the sudience)

You see how she talks!

Amina

Am I lying?

Don't you conquer your lovers?

Don't you just ride them like a jockey?

And if not that,

Aren't you afraid to admit how it is

When you're not conquering,

When you're in love?

That is, if it happens, because

It doesn't always happen for you all

Sometimes you never achieve love,

Only mastery.

Malcolm, you know precisely what I mean,

And you know how precisely I'm correct.

Malcolm

This is getting out of hand.

Amina

Why, because you're in in control?

Male language/master's language--

Isn't that it, lack of control?

"Out of hand"? Ha, you mean out of control.

Hold your head up and answer me.

Malcolm

Yes

Amina

But you know--

And even as I say this,

I recognize that most likely

You don't know, but you should know,

And for you survival's sake you must learn--

You're no less a man when you're not in control.

Malcolm

We don't control this society.

We don't control space ships.

We don't control slave ships.

We don't control mean green.

we don't . . .

Amina

Stop the litany of what you don't,

What you ain't got,

What you can't get,

What you'll never have!

You have life, and no matter

How severely circumscribed

You also have spirit, energy, imagination,

An ability to create brilliant colors

Even when enchained in the dankest dungeon.

You don't have to be simply a billpayer.

You have paid dues, you can be

Anything, everything,

No matter what it is you perceive

You lack or what you think they have

So much more of than you.

They wish they had the lips with

Which your creative history kisses life.

Malcolm

What good are music and pyramids

Of bygone years in the face of the knife?

Amina

My son, my son.

Malcolm

Who's not a man, not a man

I'm not a man.

Amina

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

Is that the thing that was so difficult to say?

Malcolm

No. It's something else.

Amina

What else?

Malcolm

When I found myself . . .

I mean when I found my father . . .

Amina

(She catches his meaning and completes his thought.)

You found yourself.

Malcolm

Yes! Exactly.

We played a game of checkers

In the barbershop and I realized

All the soft parts of him were dead

Or buried so deep that those softnesses

Seldom saw the light of love's touch.

he was a genius at camouflaging

His emotional amputations.

In his eyes I saw Black holes

Where everything went in

But nothing came out.

I think he had been hurt

By his self-perceived inadequacies,

Maimed by his personal assessments

Of powerlessness.

Amina

Did you also see that some men know better

Than to fall into the trap of hating themselves

For not being what they think a man should be?

The trap was not the inadequacy of the man

But the impossibleness of the definition of manhood.

the musicians know, those old blues singers

And jazz men with their horns in their hands . . .

No hope of fortune or fame but dedicated nonetheless

To the creation of an artform

That the majority of society disdains.

Yes, they knew and actualized, knew

That there was another way to be a man;

And created an oh so beautiful language

They simply called "the music,"

An impossibly gifted language

In which tongue they could express feelings

English can never express.

Prez's tear-tatooed tenor rising

In what some would consider feminine sensualness,

A delicacy otherwise never, never ever

Associated with being a man, or even swaggering

Lee Morgan in all his macho hardness

Being tender as an azalea petal

As he blew a ballad, and God, the beauty

Of Dear Clifford, or Fats Navarro . . . I wish

You had known him, his virtuosity and bravura

As a trumpeter, and you know his nickname

Was Fat Girl. And then there is the sensitiveness

Of the man I most remember, gentle,

Gentle Eric Dolphy, his expressiveness

So open, so free, so full of feeling, or

Charles Lloyd licking the sky in trance

Meditation with crying eyes transforming pain

Into the beauty of majestic music, and

Of course Trane, a magnificent man of such

Forceful gentleness.

Malcolm

I have not really heard them yet.

I'm still very young, so I can not yet really know

These men you remember with such reverence.

Amina

These are men.

Black men not defined by their genitals

Or the depth of their pockets,

But by their spirits and creative acts.

Black men, I tell you,

Men who knew themselves

And who shared the breadth and depth

Of their manhood.

With the whole of this world

In a language of their own,

A language they created

And indeed the very creation of their language

Was also the instrument needed

Not only to manifest

But, indeed, also to actualize

Their true manhood.

Malcolm

You really believe that, don't you?

You really believe a musician is a man?

Amina

No, you misunderstand me.

Not simply the act of creating music

But the creation of language . . .

You can make someone else's music,

You can make musical entertainment

Without creating language,

But . . .

Malcolm

And does what you're talking about

Apply to women, too?

Amina

Yes, of course.

Except women are less likely to be listened to,

And we all know the rare conceptions.

But let's not change the subject.

We were talking about knowing manhood

And how both you and your father

failed to know and love your own manhood.

I want you to live your potential manhood,

Know it, live it like your father never did

Like Rudy never did

Like Chimarenga almost did

Like Cowboy . . .

Malcolm

Cowboy didn't know

Amina

He never realized,

Except in extremely self destructive ways,

The potential of his manhood.

He never knew.

Malcolm

No one taught him

And he never learned, that's

What I'm trying to learn.

Mama, I want to be a man.

I don't want to be like my father,

I wish Cowboy had known.

He hated himself.

He hated the weak parts of himself.

He hated that he could not be all the man

You wanted him to be.

Amina

It was never about all the man

You think that I wanted him to be.

Instead it was always about

Not being able to be like what he thought

A man should be.

Don't you know that I know you can't be white.

Malcolm

You mean, that I can't be a man.

Amina

No, I mean that you can't be white

Or, rather, that you shouldn't be white,

Because we both know that daily

There are Black men out there

Proving how coldly white they can be.

But this is my point

What you're calling your manhood

Is just some projection of being a master,

A conqueror, a barbarian on a ship

With a gun and a whip

Sailing the seven seas and conquering the world.

But, my dear son,

You don't have to be that to be a man.

It is enough to be your creative self,

To be a vibration of the universe

Manifesting energy through real time.

That's enough.

I know America

Will never leave you alone,

But it is not the knife that is the killer,

It is your acceptance of their definitions.

Once you accept what they mean by man

Then you're doomed never to be able to be a man

Simply because you can't really be a human being

And at the same time be like their definition

Of man,

A man should never strive to be the master

Of another human being.

Malcolm

But is not there a way for me to be in control

Of my own life?

That's all.

That's all I want --

To control my own Life.

Anima

The power to create is life.

Discipline yourself, yes-- but control

What is that? In al the history of the world,

What has that ever been but an excuse

For militarism, for fascism,

Sometimes a seductive and seemingly

Logical fascism, but rule by force

Nonetheless in the name of

The greater good?

Malcolm

You make it sound so easy, too easy,

But we both know one can not eat creativity.

Creativity will not keep the rain and wind

From your hair, out of your eyes--

And besides, everyone wants what everyone

Else has.

Amina

Be honest, do you,

Do you really want what everyone else has?

Malcolm

Yes, sometimes

Anima

Which would you rather: to be rich

Or to be in love, surrounded by

And supported by those who love you

And whom you love?

Malcolm

Both!

Anima

Not really . . . because

To be rich, especially in this society,

Means to impoverish others.

The wheels of your shiny ride

Are purchased by the bared and bunioned

Feet of others, your mansion

At the expense of thousands of homeless . . .

Malcolm

That is all didactic.

I'm not talking about hurting anyone

I'd just like to be comfortable.

Anima

Your comfort is expensive.

Just the energy it takes to maintain your comfort

Means starvation for others, not to mention

Pollution of the land and atmosphere.

But you know this as well as I do,

Maybe without detail but from the lash of history

You know this;

You know how this country was raised,

Whose broken and flogged back, whose blood 

Vampired, and not just ours, Native Americans

Literally millions and millions, and millions

of us, millions and millions, more millions

Than it is sane to count or think about.

Just like matter, just like energy,

Richness is neither created nor destroyed

Just transferred and transformed.

You already know this.

(She pauses, looking at him.)

You are testing yourself, teasing

Me. What you really want is to be happy, healthy,

And surrounded by people you like,

To travel in peace

And have time and space to live

Howsoever you envision life.

Given the choice of making an extra dollar

Or spending an hour with someone you love,

I know love would be your choice . . .

Malcolm

That all sounds nice, except our love ones

Are poor, we need that dollar.

Amina

No!

That is precisely my point

What we need is a different society

Dollars will never make us happy

We are human beings.

We need each other to be happy.

Only each other living productive

And creative lives; living full out

Imaginations blowing for all we

Know and can learn, all we can

Dream and conceive,

Like life has always meant

before machine makers enchained out labor.

Do you understand?

Malcolm

You always talk these theories,

Dazzling as the sun, and though I feel

Them and know the truth of them,

They are so far away I am here

On the ground struggling in the here

And now, struggling to make my way,

To find my way. I've got economic

Dragons to slay and your dream words

Are a flimsy sword, and inadequate shield.

Amina

You're slipping back into the male language

Of militarism. Besides, you know,

Where has your male rejection of this vision

Gotten you? Are you happy, any happier

Trampling on people, denying

What's in your heart? I don't think so.

I think the reason you're listened this long

Is because inside you're empty,

You're searching for food and shelter.

(Pauses)

The truth is that you must be a warrior.

The world can not be healed unless you stop

Those who are raping us. These mad, mad people

Must be forced up off us. I know that

My only only insistence is that we be clear

Why we are fighting and what our goals are,

Be clear that we are rainbow warriors

Calling a halt to coldness--emotional

Coldness as well as the wintering

Of the environment. And, simultaneously,

In the process of resisting we are also rebuilding,

By example and vision creating anew our humanity.

If in the process of ending slavery

We do not resurrect community, then in truth

We will not have ended but rather merely transformed

Our current slavery into a more sophisticated slavery,

A slavery of another and more difficult

Form.

(She laughs.)

I know, I know, I know.

Sometimes I preach, but all of my wordiness

Is just a deep longing to get through this phase

Into a different dimension, into a space

Where love is unmolested by systematic slaughter.

Malcolm

The poor will be amongst us.

Amina

Your quoting of the Bible sounds cynical.

Malcolm

We can't change human nature, there

Will always be wrongdoing--rape, as you did it,

Exploitation, inhumanity, always. Evil is eternal.

Amina

In particular terms, of course, in individual

Human expression, of course, but for now

I'm talking on a social level. Systematic manifestations.

Malcolm, don't believe so much of the master's

Propaganda.

Malcolm

What do you mean?

Amina

Humans have been here for thousands and thousands

Of years, only in the last century

Has the planet itself been endangered

By the actions of people. If we could live

for millennia and not destroyed the earth,

Why should a mere four or five hundred

Years be so destructive?

Do you see we are talking both quantity

And quality? If the quality of life

Is maintained, then the quantity of life.

Can go on and on and on for thousands

And thousands of years. But if the quality

Of our living becomes rapacious,

Then the quantity of our existence

Will also diminish. This is a basic

Karma, surely you understand.

Malcolm

Mama, I'm tired of talking about problems.

Amina

That's because you are basically a lover

Of life and being forced to fight

Places your life out of balance

But the truth, the awful truth,

My dear son, is no matter how tired

You are, these problems will not disappear

Just because you do not deal with them,

This life will force you to deal

With problems--and the longer you delay

The more difficult the dealing.

(Pauses)

You know the most difficult dealing

Will be learning to live together.

We've been so thoroughly indoctrinated

In exploitation, we've been slaves so long,

That now we are experts on slavery,

On slavery and little else, at least

On a conscious level. Little else do we know

How to do. Fortunately awe still feel

Other paths, other ways, but unfortunately

We don't know how to fight on the one hand

And how to love on the other. Yes,

This world is tiring, but

As the old folks counseled

Members, don't get weary,

Don't get weary.

(Pauses)

This is why love is so necessary

Love to heal our wounds,

Love to rejuvenate us, massage

The weariness away.

Malcolm

You say love so easily,

And yet you are so alone, so without.

Amina

Malcolm, my son,

Actualizing love will be no easier

Than fighting our enemies. Indeed,

Achieving love is probably an even deeper

And more difficult struggle, especially

Since we are all so flawed, some of us fatally,

So terribly flawed.

Malcolm

(As he hears this, turns very somber.)

We are, as you say,

So terribly flawed--fatally,

In truth we are.

Amina

Whatever the truth, we can handle it.

What is your name?

Why do you think we named you Malcolm?

You should be alive with energy

And unafraid to transform yourself.

Every time you recognize the truth

Be what you are, whatever you are

Just be that, choose truth-love the truth.

Malcolm

Suppose the truth is I'm not a man?

Amina

Male language again.

The truth is you're alive

You are human.

You can be beautiful

No matter how ugly the rest of the world is.

You can zoom beauty.

You can touch people.

You can sing.

You can be all of that.

And to be all that is to be a man,

Regardless of what and how the master is

Or what this society forces you to swallow.

Malcolm

Hi, mom. This is your beautiful son, Malcolm,

And I'm . . . gay.

(He looks at Amina, she does not avoid his gaze. He is trying to shock her, trying to force her revulsion and rejection.)

I love men.

I swallow their seed.

I putt heir dicks in my mouth,

And in my ass.

And yall always told me that a faggot

Wasn't a man.

So maybe I'm not a man.

The Bible says I'm going to hell.

The Koran says cut off my head.

(She patiently waits for him to finish and continues her gaze at him with her eyes of love. Malcolm softens and admits his terror.)

Amina

(Moves to the chair slowly and sits.)

I knew already.

We've always known that some of our sons . . .

Malcolm

Were not men.

Are you saying that you always knew

That I was not a man, that I could never be

A man?

Amina

(Softly) This is not new.

Malcolm

I didn't hear you.

Amina

I said this is not new.

(They look at each other.)

What is it you're waiting for me to do?

Do you want me to act out?

I can do that. Watch. Just give me a minute.

(She lowers her head briefly, hand to forehead, obviously concentrating.)

Malcolm

What are you doing?

Amina

I'm watching television.

I'm reading the daily paper and Ebony magazine.

I'm putting relaxer in my hair I'm putting on green contact lenses. 

Now I'm ready to hate you. 

To curse you out . . .

(Suddenly she springs to her feet. She begins very quietly but builds in intensity and volume as she goes on.)

You are pitiful. Pitiful.

You hate yourself. You hate your father.

You hate your manhood. The reason you love men

Is because you can't be a man yourself,

So you open your flesh to men,

Like a woman does, taking men inside yourself

Thereby coming as close to manhood as you can.

What did Cowboy say to his son?

Does Cowboy know his son is a punk?

Did you tell your daddy you love men

Because you hate men, because you hate him?

Get out. Get out.

(Trying to regain her composure.)

I'm sorry, but I, I can't stand this.

I can't love that you're not a man.

And I don't know how you can stand yourself.

Get out, just get away from me.

Malcolm

(He turns and begins to walk away slowly, then pauses.)

I knew you would hate me.

Amina

I don't hate you.

I pity you.

You hate you

Malcolm

Don't pity me.

You made me.

You raised me.

Where do you think my love of men comes from?

School? Ideas in books?

White professors whispering Plato in my ear?

Reading James Baldwin at night

Looking for the juicy parts

And finding homosexual love?

The hatred in the mirror,

The morning after as I brush my teeth

And feel like I can't get the stain

Of a man's cum off my tongue?

The failed attempts to fuck a woman?

Or should I just have done

Like the man around the corner, the one who fixed

Our air conditioner, the one with two kids and

A very lovely wife, the man who one day jumped up

And just left home to live with his male lover?

Should I have taken you on that trip?

Or should I have just gone and found my father

And shot him down for being a dog?

Amina

Malcolm, don't say anymore

Don't say anymore,

Just go away.

Please go away.

It'll be easier for you where nobody knows you

And you can be something twisted.

Malcolm

(Malcolm tries to reach Amina. he crosses to her, wants to touch her, wants her to embrace him.)

You're still my mother.

I still love you.

Amina

(Strikes him forcefully on the chest in a fury.)

Why can't you be a man?

Why can't you be a man?

Why can't you be a man?

Why a freak?

Why a faggot?

Do you wear women's clothes:

Pantyhose, lacy underwear, blouses,

Slips, and lipstick?

(She collapses momentarily in his arms. When he embraces her, she backs away, slapping him twice.)

Be a man. Why you want to be a woman?

We've got too many women now/

What we need is men.

We need men.

Malcolm

(Sarcastically) Thanks. I needed that!

Amina

You see, I can act as big a fool

As anyone else, but

I also have other emotional vectors

To guide my living.

(Long pause. They look at each other lovingly.)

Malcolm, be careful, lest you're dead of AIDS

Before the year is out,

Infected by someone whom you think

Loves you.

Malcolm

Safe sex

Amina

Is that not somehow contradictory,

Ironic, or at least paradoxical--

You need to protect yourself

From your lover?

You live in such a way

That it is necessary to take precautions

When you love someone.

If that is the case

Then where is the love?

Malcolm

We live in a time when love is at risk,

When love is a risk.

Amina

And that ultimately is so sad

Is it not? It is truly sad

To live in a time

When love is a risk.

Malcolm

Yes.

But . . .

(He is at a loss for words. however, Amina cuts him off before he can collect his thoughts.)

Amina

And you know what is also sad about this age?

As terrible as AIDS is,

We women and our children, we Black women,

Are the ones who are dying with no notice,

No acknowledgment often, not even an obituary mention.

It is we dying, we infected, we the carriers

Passing on the illnesses of our times--

And ignored, not even included as raw statistics.

Many of us die from related diseases

But the counters don't even tally our deaths

Much less treat our lives.

I know it seems like I'm always talking woman talk

But the silence around us is so incredible,

So incredible . . .

(Silence, a long pause)

But you were going to say something. What?

Malcolm

I don't know.

(With a mixture of force and bewilderment)

I'm alive. I'm me, what I am,

What I sometimes wish I wasn't,

What I am struggling to learn to accept

I'm here, in this time.

I don't know.

What else can I do?

Amina

Do you believe your great-great-grandfather

Was a man?

Malcolm

What?

Amina

Your slave forefather,

Was he a man?

Malcolm

Yes

Amina

Think of the time he lived in,

The conditions under which he was forced

To find a way to manifest his manhood,

Cut off literally from land, from tongue/language,

From self, castrated metaphorically

And sometimes, indeed often times, castrated

Literally. Think of him

And what he faced, and the fortitude

Of his manliness to overcome that

To remain a man, be a man

In an era of chattel slavery

Think of the immensity of that

Struggle for wholeness, for manhood

And know that you are the descendant

Of men who have had to piece their manhood

Together in the eye of the hurricane,

Be self-surgeons sewing together their severed

Members.

Imagine that,

Malcolm, my son.

Rise above what you consider your limitations.

If a slave could be a man

Then certainly a free homosexual can.

Okay. Cut

(To audience)

Let's deal with this.

Is homosexuality a sickness?

Is it the sickness of white society

Infecting us like so many people keep thinking?

Let's assume that it is.

(To Malcolm)

Let's assume you're sick and twisted.

Even if we assume that, the real question remains:

What are you going to do?

You're here, on this planet, in this era,

Whether we like you or not,

Think you're normal or freakish,

Healthy or sick,

Whatever.

The point is you're here

And our responsibility to each other

Is not to change each other

But to help each other.

Do you really believe that your sexuality

Is a dysfunctionality?

That you are father-famished and therefore

Gay because of the absence of a male?

Do you really believe that if your father were here

You would not be gay?

Do you really swallow that madness?

Malcolm

We are dysfunctional.

We were never, well maybe only for a moment!

But mainly we were never a whole family.

Amina

What can any of us,

Oppressed and exploited,

What can any of us

Know of a fully functional nuclear family?

When were we ever simply

Husband/wife/children family

Except in our extended

Bonding defiance of the society that told us

We were less than ourselves because

We were not family units, and at the same time

Were constantly tearing us asunder?

Do you think we were family on auction block?

In cotton fields and slave shack?

And later in the ghettos

And laboratory high rises?

If you believe

That you are the way you are

because of some social dysfunction

In your family tree

Then you are branding yourself pathological

In the extreme as if night were all 

There was to your day.

Malcolm

Were there ever any other gay men in our family?

Amina

If you open the closet in the hall,

If you root around in the corners of the attic,

If you dig in the crevices of basements,

Go to the old picture books

And look into the eyes of our blood . . .

The felt hat worn across that great aunt's eye

With a man's tie dividing her breasts, 

The big-eyed youth hiding on the edge of the picture

His hands clasped in his lap staring with terror

At something way beyond the camera . . .

In the tear-strewn trail

Of all those still-missing ones

Who left home and disappeared

Somewhere across the Rockets or into

The soft belly of Europe,

The cousin you never heard from again

After he reached fifteen and left the church choir

And had the beautiful voice

That broke your heart to hear him

Reluctantly sing goodbye,

Or the one you only heard from through

Occasional phone calls at odd times

During some randomly selected decade . . .

Like I said, this is nothing new

We just keep pretending we've never

Dealt with all this before, pretending.

But we are now no more sick

Than we've ever been during this sojourn

In the wilderness of being forced to make do,

Striving, although often valiantly failing,

To create wholeness from the twisted scraps

Of what's left after labor rape

And racist assault on our human selves.

(Pauses)

Dou you understand?

Malcolm

Somewhat, somehow, some parts . . .

(He starts to say something but can not find the words.)

Cut.

Amina

No!

Don't cut. Don't turn from the difficult.

Don't cut, deal with it!

Stop looking for alien blueprints

When you have as birthright

All the tools you need to be,

A chest full of all the sinew and nexus

Needed to construct a whole human being.

Don't cut. Deal.

You ain't dead until you stop singing,

And if you don't sing,

Then you're not fully alive.

Break past this tendency to surrender

Just because living may mean choosing to die

Rather than accepting and accommodating madness,

And if not death, at least choosing

A form of sanity that the status quo

Will tell you is insanity.

You make yourself less than a man

When you choose to live with a chain on your mind,

Your beautiful infinite spirit harnessed

In the carcass of a negro, a dead thing

Who stops thinking, stops creating

In a confused and ultimately futile effort

To reach detente with oppression.

(She laughs. Deeply.)

Deal

Malcolm

Cut!

Amina

(Disappointedly) Malcolm.

Malcolm

No. I'm ready.

(Smiles.)

I'm just going to do my entrance again.

Amina

Okay

Malcolm

(Exits, then re-enters.)

Mama

(He goes to her. They embrace.)

I have something to tell you.

Amina

Sit down, Malcolm.

Wait, let me get a chair.

(She brings a chair from the rear and sits next to him.)

You want some coffee?

Malcolm

(Nervously) No.

Amina

You hungry?

Malcolm

No.

Amina

What is it?

Malcolm

I don't know how to say it.

Amina

Just say it.

Malcolm

I'm afraid you'll hate me.

Amina

I love you

(Touches his face tenderly.)

Malcolm

Like you hate my father

Amina

You are not your father. I love you.

Malcolm

You'll hate me like you hate him.

Amina

No.

(Pauses.)

I'm glad that you're releasing your fears,

Telling me what teeth are at your throat,

What's causing you to turn your head

And seal your lips. I'm glad

You're sharing fear,

Because fear is the secret destroyer

Of struggle, and the only solution

Is shared strength.

Alone, you can never be as strong

Or as gentle, for that matter, as when

You are intimate with someone

With whom you share struggle, 

I'm glad, yes.

Facing the debilitations of our own

Deficiencies, all the major things we feel

Are wrong with ourselves, and being

Able to share that bitter drink

With another in effect

Releasing the repressed self,

That self so often branded ugly and

Repulsive, the thing whose very removal

Leaves a gapping open wound

Sensitive and vulnerable to touch

And hurt, and then too

The bitterness of misuse

By those close enough to smell the blood,

Facing all of that and finding out,

After we dry our eyes

That those deformities were only paper tigers,

Props held fast in place by our own refusal

To clear the deck . . .

(Pauses.)

Much of this is so abstract.

I know you, you're not your father.

You understand?

Not that you can't love whomever you choose to love.

It's just that it would really be good to be able

To point to you as an example of Black manhood . . .

Malcolm

Malcolm

(laughingly, bitterly)

Yeah, people be pointing at me all right,

But not as no example of Black manhood.

You've seen me in the street,

A young man whose effeminacy

Made you wince because I so obviously

Looked like what I am

And it makes you uncomfortable.

Amina

Yes, and I've wondered how terrible

Your torment must be

To be the way you are,

Knowing how cruelly streets

Will callously treat you

When you are like that . . .

To see you young and defying

All the social images

Of young manhood you've been taught . . .

I've seen you and wondered

How I would see you

If it was not you but

Some other mother's child

Whom I saw walking sideways

Into the day, but defiant still, and, yes,

Though I would rather you go a different way,

Still, not only is this sway your walk, the walk

You must walk if you are to be true to yourself,

But also I have come to admire your bravery

Your daring to be so out of step.

(Pauses. Turns to the audience.)

We are not just what society shapes us

To be, we are also what we become,

What we make of ourselves, and that is

The Most most difficult knowledge to grasp

Movers, with their minds made up,

Can make waves, waves which will

Give motion to the ocean,

Shake the ship of society and stitch a flag

Out of song sent soaring into the atmosphere,

Your smile a people's anthem.

(She starts a spontaneous dancing in place.)

Oh it feels so good to be a creative human being.

Just the thought of self-determination

Makes me dance. Yes,

If you're looking for an answer

Start with everything you can do

And build up to doing everything you can't do now

But want to do, everything

Do we have to do this again?

Now that I think about it,

Yes, surely, every day, every day,

Every day we have to reach into ourselves,

Find the sun, create the sheltering skies

Under which we can live,

And this god-light is inside the dark of self.

Your brightest light is revealed

Only when you open your deepest self,

Give birth to yourself.

(The lights fade down. In the dark we hear Malcolm and Amina.)

Speak, Malcolm!

Malcolm

(Addresses the audience through the dark.)

Whether you, or me, or anyone else

Can dig it or not,

I exist.

Whether you think I'm a freak

Or I'm just another human being,

I exist.

No Matter what you think,

And for that matter,

No matter what I think,

I exist.

Amina

Yes, you exist.

Malcolm

And you're going to have to deal with this man.

Amina

(Laughs. Exits with Malcolm)

Go on. Malcolm, my son

My son--a man, yes.

That's what men do.

You force the world to make space for

You.

Yes.

And you sing in your own tongue.

Not the male master's language,

But your own words fashioned to express

Your own realities,

Just as I will speak my tongue

And will reach for our tongues to be

Entwined.

Yes.

Singing, the yes of life!

Yes.